iowahawk

Virgin-Americans Vow Fight Against Cap-and-Trade's Blood Sacrifice Amendment

Virgin sacrifice amendment: sports trivia experts, Trekkies, medieval re-enacters fear worst

WASHINGTON - The President's landmark 'Cap and Trade' bill faces an uncertain fate this week, as congressional backers of the carbon-limiting legislation face mounting opposition from a myriad of interest groups angered by its controversial ritual virgin sacrifice provision.

"We are asking our members to send a strong message to Washington that this bill is wrong for America's energy future, and wrong for the virgin community," said Bret 'Aslan' Crawford, a spokesman for the Action Figure Collectors of America. "Power virgins, activate!"

The 87,492 page bill -- official designated as the American Patriotic Renewal Act of 2009 for Carbon Reduction, Energy Independence, Heathy Climate, Sustainable Job Growth, Adorable Puppies, and Earthly Paradise -- is a keystone in President Obama's first year legislative agenda, and was originally anticipated to get swift congressional passage. Instead, it faced a unexpectedly tough vote in the House last week after coal state Democrats complained it would place an unfair economic burden on their home districts.

"I am as interested in reversing global climate change as anyone, but I fail to see how increasing taxes and random machete attacks on Ohio coal producers alone will solve the problem," said Marcy Kaptur (D-OH). "Come on people, there are plenty of other industries who deserve machete attacks too."

In order to secure the votes of wavering Democrats, House leaders Nancy Pelosi and Henry Waxman inserted several last minute amendments to the legislation, including provisions for national oxygen rationing, witch burnings, dousings, and phrenology research. But the one that has seemingly stoked a grassroots backlash is the controversial Sexually Inexperienced Citizen Environmental Volunteer Amendment. The wording of the amendment calls for all American virgins over the age of 21 to register with the Selective Sacrifice Board, for possible use as victims in nationally televised vivisections intended to "supplicate the Earth-Spirits."

Reaction, in some quarters, was swift and harsh. Robert 'Shadowfyre' Jardocki of the Wizard and Warlocks Guild called it "an affront to all Virtual America, from Second Life to World of Warcraft," and vowed his group would cast the "most powerful lobbying spell the country has ever seen." Denise 'Lady Gwynnethynn' Kelly of the American Society of Renaissance Faire Royalty decried it as "a unconstitutional attack on our members and their ladies in-waiting." The National Association of Space Fantasists made an impassioned "call to light sabers," while the Brotherhood of Sports Bar Regulars vowed a "million replica jersey march" on Washington to stop its passage. Other groups uniting to oppose the bill include MENSA, the Society for the Identification of Motion Picture Continuity Problems, and the American Association of Anonymous Comment Thread Trolls.

"Congress and the Administration really stirred up a hornet's nest of virgins with this bill," said longtime Washington-watcher Michael Barone. "The response really caught them flat-footed. I don't think they realized just how adept the virgin community is at computers, and how much time they have between ComiCons or SpaceCons or whatever-cons. Instead of calling into sports radio shows, now they're calling the capitol switchboard."

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) defended the bill, saying that "it is critical that we do something immediately to show we are serious about solving this climate crisis. Without burnt offerings of taxes and virgins, Gaia will smite us all in her angry burning wrath. So let me just say to the corporate and virgin special interest groups -- don't come crying to us in 400 years, when our temperatures are up almost 1 degree celsius."

Pelosi denied the bill was anti-consumer, pointing out it contains specific infrastructure and job creation funds. It specifies 500,000 unionized positions to construct a planned 300-foot tall National Eco Pyramid and Virgin Sacrifice Altar in Youngstown, Ohio, as well as funds to train over 20,000 youth volunteer earth-priests in live beating heart removal.

House Energy Committee Chair Henry Waxman (D-CA) defended the bill's controversial 'virgin exclusions' rider, which specifies sacrificial exemptions for certain religious orders, members of Congress, and Keith Olbermann.

"The rider simply recognizes that virgin members of Congress are often so busy doing the work of the people that we have little opportunity for actual sexual intercourse," said Waxman. "For example, were I not focusing on this crucial legislation, I would totally be porking some sexy, sexy ladies. No, really, I'm serious. I would be. Stop laughing."

Bill co-sponsor Edward Markey (D-MA) said that even if enacted into law, the bill allows a 9 month grace period for current virgins to change their sacrifice eligibility status.

"Easy for him to say," complained Kevin Warren, a 34-year old Green Bay Packer fanatic from Fon du Lac, Wisconsin. "You try getting laid with a foam rubber cheese hat, green face paint and Favre jersey."

Whether Warren and other Virgin-Americans have the clout to scuttle the bill remains to be seen. It is scheduled for Senate deliberations as soon as the House Sergeant-at-Arms can locate a crane powerful enough to move the entire document to the Senate chamber. If passed there, it is expected to be quickly signed into law by President Obama.

Presidential spokesman Robert Gibbs, himself a well-known virgin, sought to allay fears about the bill.

"Look, I know this bill has been the subject of wild rumors and speculation, but let's all just sit back and see how it plays out," said Gibbs. "The bottom line is that the virgin community has nothing to worry about. Believe me, if this thing passes, I promise everybody's going to get screwed."

Six Degrees of Stark Naked

A while back my friend Cal Spitzer emailed this snazzy 8x10 publicity shot of the delightfully named (and delightfully shod) Stark Naked and the Car Thieves. Research reveals that this combo had its beginnings as a conglomeration of several Indianapolis area garage and doo-wop groups, finally relocating to Los Angeles where they accumulated several minor hits and a rotating list of members. Despite the wild name (and a reportedly crazy Vegas stage show), their surviving recordings are decidedly tame. Further research reveals that their name was eventually stolen by a New Zealand band who went on to record a minor hit cover of another name-thieving band: the Monks' (UK) "Nice Legs, Shame About the Face."

The thing that really struck me, though, is the small print: SN&CT's booking agency is listed as "Jimmy O'Neill Management."

Lucky Sox Fans To Get Mini-Bats, Split $800 Billion

Record crowd expected at US Cellular for bats, beer, free cash

CHICAGO - Chicago White Sox front office spokesman Scott Reifert announced today that fans attending a July 11 twin bill versus the Minnesota Twins at US Cellular Field will receive a free commemorative mini-bat, unlimited ten cent Budweiser, and up to $800 Billion in federal bailout money. Billed as "Recession Demolition Night," Reifert said the giveaway promises to be the "biggest fan attraction since 1979."

The unique cross-promotion was the brainchild of White Sox GM Ken Williams and the Obama Administration, and Reifert said it took nearly 45 minutes of careful planning to work out the details.

"The Administration had $800 billion in unspent stimulus money, and we had a load of unsold tickets," explained Reifert. "I guess you could say it was a real win-win situation."

The Oval Office has come under some fire in the last week over revelations that only as small portion of the $867 Billion allocated to ARRA stimulus programs in February has thus far been spent. White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said that the joint promotion with the White Sox "shows the President is serious about ramping up the sweet, sweet cash giveaways that will get America back on its feet." 

Gibbs blamed the earlier spending snags to archaic printers inside the US Mint that imploded in May after overcapacity stress. Those were recently replaced by a new high-speed printer capable of producing 100 sheets of 100 $100 bills every second.

"Working 24 hours a day, and barring no breakdowns, we should have the $800 billion printed within the next 10 days," said Gibbs.

World green ink commodity prices jumped 48% in late trading on the announcement.

Reifert said fans would receive the cash via a spectacular between-innings airlift show. Following a massive fireworks display, 90 fully loaded C-17 Globemaster military cargo planes will each drop 85 tons of $100 bills onto the field. After an address by President Obama on the stadium Jumbotron, fan will be allowed on the field to claim their winnings.

"Don't forget to bring your sacks and pointy poles," said Reifert.

Nellis AFB: C-17s begin loading Benjamins

Southsiders appeared unanimous in their excitement over the promotion.

"I ain't bennada ballperk fer a capple of yearse, but I ain't ganna miss dis facker," said Tony Donato, 28, of the nearby Bridgeport neighborhood. "Maybe I'll axe my parole afficer to come along."

Not all Chicagoans were equally enthused. Many Cub fans openly grumbled at the announcement and expressed despair over losing the $800 billion pennant chase. Gibbs defended the selection of the Sox, long overshadowed by their Northside National League rivals and their bigger, more affluent fan base.

"It's a matter of simple fairness," said Gibbs. "The Cubs have no problem selling out Wrigley Field, but the White Sox have seen declining attendance ever since their World Series win in 2005. Hopefully this promotion will sell a few tickets."

Gibbs added that the promotion would not only help bailout the Sox, but would benefit Chicago consumers and the entire region through the multiplier effect.

"The Southside has been particularly hard-hit by the recession," he said. "With this giveaway, the typical Sox fan will again have enough cash to fill up their '87 Caprice and drive to Gary for fireworks and lottery tickets."

Reifert said the club would institute special safety precautions for the event to prevent injuries.

"At $20,000,000 a piece, each fan will have to tote an average of 450 pounds of $100 bills so back injuries were a real worry," he said. "That's why we'll also have free spinal support belts for the first 25,000 through the gate."

Reifert also said the first 5 rows of field-level baseline seats will be roped off to avoid mass smotherings under the anticipated tidal wave of Benjamins.

"Unfortunately this will reduce seating capacity from 40,000 to 38,000," said Reifert. "We apologize to the 2000 fans who may be kept out, but on the up side this means an extra $1 million for everybody who gets in."

Reifert encourage fans to order tickets soon, as demand is expected to be brisk. He remained coy, however, about whether the cash drop would take place during game one of the doubleheader, or the special nightcap open only to Mayor Daley, visiting Washington dignitaries, and Obama campaign donors.

"We're leaving that a big surprise," he said.

Oh No, She Dint

h/t: a reader who requests anonymity

Update: am now told this is a Photoshop image; still, inspirational.

Collegiate Debate Bowl

DON PARDO
It's time for Collegiate Debate Bowl, where students match forensic wits for cash and prizes! Please welcome our host and moderator, Barack Obama!

[applause]

BARACK OBAMA
Thank you, Don Pardo. Hello everyone, and welcome once again to Collegiate Debate Bowl. We have a dandy match in store for you today between a pair of traditional rivals. If you are a debate fan like me, you've heard about the exciting, robust debates between these two highly-ranked teams, and I'm delighted we are able to present one for you today. On your right, please welcome the Unarmed Demonstrators of the University of Tehran.

[applause]

BARACK OBAMA
And on your left, please welcome our returning champions, the Revolutionary Guards of Theocratic State.

[applause]

BARACK OBAMA
I will skip the individual introductions in the interest of time. Teams, you have both been briefed on our rules. In the toss-up round, I will give a proposition. The team who buzzes in first can choose to oppose or defend the proposition, and its opponents will then respond. In the 30-second lightning round, team will pepper each other with rapid-fire intellectual challenges. In the free-for-all final round, the teams come up with their own rules. I will act as judge and scorekeeper, and all my decisions are final until they are not. Remember to finish your debating points within the alloted time, and please, no murdering. Good luck to all, and let's get ready to play Collegiate Debate Bowl!

And now for our first toss-up. Resolved: in order to advance peace in the world, United States foreign policy should replace neocon democracy building with a new realism, and....

BZZZ

Theocratic State!

BARACK OBAMA
Ooh, I'm sorry. That was a very interesting debate point, but I'm afraid you buzzed in before I finished the resolution. Put 10 points up on the board for the University of Tehran.

Now on to toss-up number 2. Resolved: the recent election dispute in Iran is, in many ways, no different than the stolen Florida election of 2000, so we have little room to talk, especially hypocritical right wingers who..

BZZZ

Theocratic State!

BARACK OBAMA
Theocratic State, I must caution you that if you continue to buzz in early I will be forced to issue a sternly worded statement of troubled concern. Please add 100 points more to the board for the University of Tehran. 

BZZZ

BARACK OBAMA
I will in the spirit of fairness and forensic competition ask both contestants to please refrain from...

BZZZ

BARACK OBAMA
Come on! Now this is just ridic...

BZZZ

DON PARDO
Stay tuned for more Collegiate Debate Bowl, as the judges sort out points and our teams enter the exciting lightning round.

-----------------------------------------

COMMERCIAL BREAK

MALIA AND SASHA
Daddy, Daddy! Can we go to Dairy Unicorn?

BARACK OBAMA (hard at work at the Lincoln desk)
I'm sorry girls, there's an entire world that needs my saving.

SASHA
But Daddy, Dairy Unicorn is yummy!

MALIA
And it makes everybody forget their troubles!

BARACK OBAMA
Ha ha hah! Okay you two little scalawags, you've certainly won this debate. Rahm, ready the helicopter and alert the press.

VOICE OVER
Mmm-mmm-mmm, the creamy cold delicious distracting flavors of Dairy Unicorn. A perfect summertime treat even if you don't have your own worshipful media entourage.

MALIA AND SASHA (enjoying cones)
Thank you Daddy!

BARACK OBAMA
Anything for my two adorable camera magnets! Say fellas, can you turn down those harsh lights? I'm starting to melt here.

------------------------------------------

DON PARDO
Welcome back to Collegiate Debate Bowl. Once again, Barack Obama!

BARACK OBAMA
On the world opinion tote board, the University of Tehran leads Theocratic State 400 to zero. But the Revolutionary Guards have lodged a formal protest over interference, and the judges will now hear their rejoinder.

BARACK OBAMA
Well played, Theocratic State! Judge?

DING DING

BARACK OBAMA
I have decided to overrule my previous ruling, and now the score stands knotted up at 200. What a game! Now we go to our tie-breaker. The University of Tehran has won the coin toss and will now will argue the final topic. Resolved: Barack Obama's speech at Cairo has inspired millions across the Mideast to a new hope for peace and democracy. University of Tehran?

 

BARACK OBAMA
I'm sorry, UT, I'm afraid I'll have to count that as a forfeit. Congratulations to the victorious Revolutionary Guards! Don Pardo, tell them what they've won.

DON PARDO
You've won diplomatic recognition, a picnic at the White House, and an all-inclusive trip to Club Nuke at Turtle Bay!

BARACK OBAMA
And for the survivors of our runners-up, you will all receive a parting gift of Turtle Wax and an invoice for bullets. Turtle Wax, for that hard shell finish.

That's all the time we have on Collegiate Debate Bowl. Be sure to tune in tonight at 9 pm, 8 central, as I host "Rapprochement" -- the exciting new international nuclear negotiating strategy game show! So long, everybody!

Can't Forget the Motor City

For us automobile enthusiasts, Father's Day weekend represents a sort of annual voyeuristic high season. Out on the West coast there's the huge L.A. Roadster show.  Closer to my midwestern home, there's the even huger 10,000+ car Back to the Fifties show in St. Paul (Mr. Lileks has some terrific photos today from the scene). Normally you will see me headed west on I-94 for BTT50s, but this year I took the eastbound ramp for Detroit and the annual Eyes on Design charity car show at the Edsel & Eleanor Ford Estate on the shores of Lake Huron.

What a Co-inky-dink

Some times I'm convinced there's a higher power at work in the automotive universe. Some sort of "car-ma" if you will, insuring the celestial gears remain in cosmic synchro-mesh. I call this the Henry Force. Example: recently I sold my beloved 1966 Buick Riviera, conveyance for many of my adventures, some of which you may have read about here. With another hot rod project in the works, the sale was necessary to free up garage space and project cash. Here's the latest pics of the Coupe of Wrath, the 1932 Ford Coupe project it was sacrificed for.

As you can imagine the sale wasn't without remorse. Fortunately I knew the car would be going to a good home, a young lowridin' feller in the Louisville KY area. Within a week of picking it up, he sent pics of it in its swanky new shoes, 14" Cragar S/S mags on pinner whites. It will soon get hydraulics and Tru-Spokes, making it one kick-ass Mexican style lowrider.Exactly what I wanted to do with it before selling it.

From Mexican Rivieras to Mexican Riveras: soon after I received the photos, my artistically inclined lovely live-in ladyfriend Tammi Jo sent me an interesting story about the strange friendship between the south-of-the-border commie muralist Diego Rivera and Edsel Ford. The name "Edsel Ford" conjures images of FoMoCo's disastrous 50's model, in fact Henry Ford's son was long dead before that ill-fated project began. He was in fact a great designer, and was largely responsible some of Ford's greatest cars -- like my 1932 coupe. In any case Ford commissioned Rivera in 1932 to paint a series of huge Fresco at the Detroit Institute of Arts, and the location is now called Rivera Court. For subject matter, Rivera chose to focus on car manufacturing. Look close and you'll see schmoes hard at work putting together 1932 Fords.

And Rivera's detail of Edsel Ford at his drafting table. Squint and you'll see behind him a blueprint of what looks to be a prototype of the Lincoln Zephyr.

Update... reader "Mister Arthur" writes:

When my mother was young, her parents lived down the street from (and were friends with) one of the curators at the Detroit Museum of Art. Anyway, my aunt used to sit on the scaffolding with Mr. Rivera when he did those frescos.

Within a couple days of reading that bit, I received an invitation to display my last hot rod project, the Coupe of Justice, at a bigtime fancypants Father's Day car show. I like to think one of the reasons is Riviera paint -- midnight blue firemist, chosen to match my old '66.

Location of the fancypants "Eyes on Design" car show: The Edsel Ford Estate in Grosse Pointe Shores MI. 

If you happen to be anywhere near there tomorrow, drop and say hi -- it's for a good cause, and good for karma.

Widow of Murdered Fly Seeks White House Apology, Shit

Grieving widow faces uphill legal
battle against President

WASHINGTON -- The widow of the housefly murdered by Barack Obama during a recent CNBC television interview announced this morning that she would be filing a wrongful death suit against the President in federal district court. The plaintiff brief -- citing pain, suffering and loss of income -- seeks a formal apology and compensatory damages, including an unspecified quantity of shit.

"Bob was a wonderful husband and provider," said the widow, Mrs. Vivian Vvzzvzwwzzz, wiping tears from her compound eyes. "Even though he was always busy at the Rose Garden turd pile, he always flew home in time to tuck in our maggots."

The 17-day old widow said the grieving process since the murder has taken its toll.

"Although it's been nearly 48 hours, I still get an empty feeling in my thorax everytime I think about it," she said. "I feel like I've aged an entire week. Mating season is over, and here I am, stuck trying to raise 532 larvae on my own."

Vvzzvzwwzzz described the "abdomen-wrenching horror" she experienced while watching the President casually assassinate her husband during the live broadcast.

"It was just before supper time and I was predigesting the evening shit for the kids," she recalled. "When I looked up at the TV I saw Bob there, and of course I was pretty excited. He started waving at me, and then, all of a sudden, SLAP! My whole world, my life, layed smashed across the back of Obama's left hand. And with 360 degree peripheral vision and hundreds of eye facets, it was impossible to look away."

Ever since the incident, Mrs. Vvzzvzwwzzz said she had been trying to piece her life back together.

"I just get paralyzed wondering how I'm going to raise my larvae for the next six days, alone, without any kind of support," she said. "Most days I just end up on the clung to the ceiling, numb and crying, eating a rancid bowl of Ben & Jerry's."

Breaking down, an emotionally distraught Vvzzvzwwzzz was comforted by PETA President Ingrid Newkirk and ACLU President Nadine Strossen. The two groups announced they will file an amicus brief in the case and file a separate class action suit against the insecticide, flyswatter and pest strip industries, seeking over 1 million metric tons of compensatory shit on behalf of 200 billion Fly-Americans.

"The President's treatment of the Fly community has been extremely disappointing," said Newkirk. "He almost seemed to relish his bloodthirsty attack on Mr. Vvzzvzwwzzz. It's obvious he's in the pocket of Big Manure."

University of Tennessee law professor Glenn Reynolds said Vvzzvzwwzzz v. Obama is likely to raise several thorny constitutional issues.

"The courts have a lot of questions to sort out here," he said. "For example, can a sitting president be forced to testify in a civil suit? Can he give himself immunity? How does this effect the rights of cooties and crab lice? Also, just how completely batshit insane is PETA?"

Despite the prospect of facing a challenge from the President's formidable legal team, Vvzzvzwwzzz said she was prepared to pursuit it all the way to the Supreme Court. 

"If Mr. Obama thinks he can shoo me away with his legal briefs and his rolled-up New York Times, then he is sadly mistaken," said an angry Vvzzvzwwzzz. "He has no idea how persistent and annoying I can be. I'm in this for the long haul. All the way till July, if I'm still alive."

Reynolds cautioned that no matter how determined the plaintiff, such a prolonged legal battle against the President could prove prohibitively expensive.

"Mrs. Vvzzvzwwzzz is likely to end up spending millions in legal fees, with an unknown probability of success. Even if she prevails, the ACLU and PETA lawyers will eat 40% of her shit settlement in contingency fees," he said.

Vvzzvzwwzz said she would be establishing a legal fund to help defray the cost of the suit, and appealed to the public for contributions. 

"PETA has been very generous in relocating my family to a welcoming new neighborhood filled with filthy, stoned, slow-reflexed vegans, but we still need money for court costs," she said. "Help meee-eee! Help meee-ee-eee-eee!"

Hail to the Victors

A Special Message to the People of Iran

By Barack Obama
President of the United States

Greetings. As president of United States -- or, if you prefer, the Great Satan -- I have have been following with keen interest the vigorous post-election debate and vibrant political dialogue which has been taking place in your great and noble Islamic Republic of Iran over recent days. It has been both educational and fascinating, and as a sports fan I have thrilled to the pageantry, the suspense, and the fast-paced, hard-hitting action. I have to say It's been as exciting as a double overtime game seven NBA final between the Lakers and Celtics! Like millions of others around the world, I can't wait for the exciting conclusion of your distracting nail-biter so I can finally focus on my big health care project at the office. (Now that's what I call a real crisis!)  But no matter who prevails in your hard-fought contest, you can rest assured that I will be out there in the stands watching, and ready to congratulate the team who brings home Tehran's coveted Golden Centrifuge Cup.

Now, I know that our two nations have had our differences in the past, and so it would be totally understandable if some of you were possibly upset my previous statements expressing "troubled concern" and "measured consternation" over your current situation. Please, do not interpret those statements as somehow taking one side or the other. I was not trying to be provocative or inflammatory, and far be it from me to interfere or play favorites. As we say over here in the Great Satan, "I don't have a dog in this fight," and so I was merely "calling 'em like I see 'em." Frankly, if America is going to regain respect as a geopolitical superpower, we need to make the tough call to sit quietly on the sidelines. That's why I have instructed my diplomatic team remain strictly neutral and to "let 'em play." With time and patience, I hope you will come to think of us as a bigger, flatter version of Switzerland. With less yodeling.

To clarify, my only real concern is over sportsmanship. In democracies like ours elections can sometimes be difficult and messy. "Politics ain't beanbag," as we also say over here. As I learned on the basketball courts and ward precincts of Chicago, the birthplace of modern Democracy, a hard fought game sometimes involves a little trash talk, an occasional sharp elbow, or a mysteriously malfunctioning scoreboard. But this doesn't mean we always have to resort to flagrant fouls, or angrily shooting our opponent in the parking lot, just because he showboated after a layup. Let's all remember the lesson of Ron Artest -- charging into the stands and savagely beating a heckler might feel good at first, but in the end it just might mean losing that big shoe contract with Nike.

And so I encourage both sides in this exciting contest to "keep it cool," and "play within yourself." Whether you are a "shirt" or a "skin," let's all respect the game. Are you a member of the Revolutionary Guards who just laid out a student demonstrator with a vicious, bone-jarring hit? Instead of taunting him, offer your hand to help him back to his feet. This will be a polite sign of mutual competitive respect before your next vicious, bone-jarring hit. Are you the student demonstrator? After collecting your teeth, congratulate the Guard on his his awesome hit. This will let the Guard know that you are a good sport, and committed to continue your dialogue without preconditions. At the end of the day, we need to leave our differences on the court and start focusing on the dangerous enemy who threatens all of us: Dick Cheney.

Let's also remember a good sport is gracious in victory and defeat. If you find yourself way ahead, don't run up the body count just to impress the UN poll voters. Act like you've been there before! If you're on the losing side, don't try to prolong the inevitable with ticky-tack fouls and time-outs and Hail-Allah trick protest formations. You gave it your best shot, but the fat lady is beginning to sing. So let's cue up Queen on the stadium PA, pass out the commemorative t-shirts, and get ready to douse the winning mullahs with Gatorade. After the victory parades, I'd love to host the winners at the White House for some sort of ceremonial diplomatic photo-op.

In the final tally, the only thing that matters in the diplomatic arena is sportsmanship. As we say here, "it's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game." I am certain that the best team will prevail, because as we also say, "winners never cheat and cheaters never win." And in the words of Raiders legend Al Davis, "just win, baby." The most important thing is that you get this distracting sudden death shootout over with, because it's really screwing with my legislative agenda. Not to mention my sleep schedule. 

Until then, I would like to offer my sincere congratulations to the eventual winners, and best wishes in your upcoming playoff series with the Tel Aviv Fightin' Zionists. I've already programmed it on my TiVo!

D.C. Garage

Outtakes from my failed reality show pilot

[Crunchy metal music punctuated by power tool noises]

DAVE
Hi everybody, this is Dave Burge -- and welcome to [growl voice] D.C. Garage! [/growl voice] Where we hijack classic American muscle and give it a monster makeover with our pro team of Washington gearheads and Beltway power tools! On tonight's episode of of D.C. Garage: can the team remake this ugly '57 Chevy Bel Air into a lean, clean, federal green machine? Grab your torque wrenches and let's start American choppin'! 

[Crunchy metal music punctuated by power tool noises]

GRUNTING DEATH METAL SINGER
D.C. Garage! D.C. Garage! ARRGHHHRRRRGGGHHBLECCCCHHH

DAVE (whispering)
Van Nuys, California. This is the home of our 'mark,' Scott Mumford. In the garage out back: Scott's Matador Red 1957 Chevy Bel Air 2-door hardtop. Inherited from his grandfather, this tired old Tri-Five has been Scott's baby for over 25 years. What he doesn't know is that it's about to get pimped [growl] D.C. Garage style! [/growl] Watch what happens next from our hidden camera.

SCOTT (sprinting out the back door)
Hey, what the hell do you think you're doing?

DAVE (flashing badge)
Officer Burge of the Federal Automotive Task Force. Is this your car, sir?

SCOTT
Yeah, I've had it since high school. I can show you the title and registration...

DAVE
No need for that, sir. What sort of engine is in this vehicle?

SCOTT
It's an original 283, with a numbers-matching Rochester fuelie...

DAVE (writing on clipboard)
Then I'm afraid we have a problem, sir. There is no way on Mother Earth that this vehicle meets EPA emissions standards. It also appears to violate federal safety guidelines and CAFE mileage targets.

SCOTT
But this was my grandpa's car! He bought it new!

DAVE
That's what they all say, sir. Send us his address and we'll mail him a copy of the citation. In the interest of public safety and economic recovery, I am hereby condemning this vehicle and ordering it turned over to the custody of the United States of America. Back up the tow truck, boys!

TOW TRUCK
BEEK BEEK BEEK

SCOTT
Hey wait! Stop, you bastards!

DAVE
Please step aside, sir. The salvage yard closes at 5 pm. In recognition of your sacrifice, please accept this stimulus coupon good for $750 towards your next purchase of a new General Motors or Chrysler product.

SCOTT (fading in rear view mirror)
You BLEEPdamned BLEEPing motherBLEEPer! Come back with my BLEEPing car! I'll rip off your BLEEEEEP BLEEP if BLEEEEEEEEEP BLEEPer and BLEEEEP BLEEPsucker after I BLEEEP to BLEEP your sister in the BLEEPing BLEEP

DAVE
Hee hee! Scott may think his obsolete old bowtie is headed for the crusher, but we've got other plans. Next stop, the Burbank Airport -- where it'll be loaded aboard this gigantic transport jet. It's normally used to haul Al Gore's PowerPoint equipment, but the former veep has loaned it to us to fly Scott's '57 to [growl] D.C. Garage! [/growl]

GUITAR
CRUNCH CRUNCH THUD CRUNCH CRUNCH THUD Sheewreeeeeyewwwweeeek

[fast motion sequence of plane flying to Dulles Airport, car unloaded, towed to D.C. Garage]

DAVE
Here we are, back in the two-oh-two, and the headquarters of [growl]D.C. Garage[/growl] -- the wildest car customizing shop in the still-industrialized world! Let's meet our crew of builders.

[fast motion camera circles the D.C. Garage team, who pose menacingly in sunglasses while flashing unicorn and rainbow tattoos]

DAVE
In charge of deconstruction: "Bad Boy" Brian Deese. Don't let the doughy white baby fat and smirking hipster douchebag face fool you, this motorhead maniac studied auto shop and Sylvia Plath at Middlebury College -- and was crew chief on the Yale Law School Top Fuel Segway!

On engine and drivetrain: Steve "Street Rat" Rattner. Head of the D.C. Garage speed shop, he learned hardcore hotrodding as a former journalist and billionaire political bagman. Whenever pink slips are on the line, Street Rat pushes the intercom button and tells his chauffeur to put the pedal to the metal -- and lay a holeshot on the bondholders!

On interior and sound system: Nancy "Frisco" Pelosi. This big bad grand-mama goes all the way to 11-- 11 congressional terms, that is! Frisco has wielded her monkey wrench at the D.C. Garage for over 22 years now, and is a veteran of over 10 facial customizations!

On metalwork, chassis and assembly: "Radical Ron" Gettlefinger. When he's not on mandatory coffee break, D.C. Garage's resident UAW rep is always ready with an acetylene torch and a campaign donation. And a baseball bat if there's scab anywhere nearby! Plus he's the only member of the team who has actually driven a car.

Fuel systems and paint: Steven "Cha Cha" Chu. D.C. Garage's mad atom smasher is former Funny Car champ at the Stockholm Nobelnationals. He's an environmental genius who also serves as sergeant-at-arms of Hell's Eggheads -- Stanford University's most feared recumbent bicycle gang! 

And leading the crew...

GUITAR
CRUNCH CRUNCH THUD CRUNCH CRUNCH THUD... 

DAVE
...the monster metal ringmaster behind the D.C. Garage circus, the man who has more automotive industry experience than the rest of the team combined -- Washington's Top Economic Eliminator, "Big Daddy" Barack Obama!

GUITAR
CRUNCH CRUNCH THUD Sheewreeeeeyewwww Spieeeewwww winggggginnggg

DAVE
So Big Daddy, are you ready to see the project?

BIG DADDY (hitting fist into palm)
Bring it on, dude!

[garage doors open, '57 Bel Air rolls in]

FRISCO
Ewwwwww! Gross!

CHA CHA
Ai-yi-yi!

BAD BOY
Helloooo-oo-oo, car fashion police! Clean up on aisle 1957! Yoo hoo, Ron, come and look at this thing!

RADICAL RON
Screw you fatboy, I'm on break.

DAVE
Looks like the team has its work cut out! We'll be back to begin the build after these messages.

****************

COMMERCIAL BREAK 1

[Barren windswept ice tundra, dramatic music]

ANNOUNCER
Tonight on the Discovery Channel: they have the most dangerous job in the world.

TRUCK DRIVER (yelling at passenger, furiously pushing calculator buttons)
Get me the form 1162 depreciation schedule... now!

ANNOUNCER
Every day they risk their lives, their rigs, and substantial late filing penalties.

TRUCK DRIVER
Look out! It's a pack of man-eating auditors!

[semi swerves, skids, jackknifes into ditch]

ANNOUNCER
Ice Road Taxpayers, the new white knuckle reality series from Discovery. Where the only sure thing is death... and taxes.

****************

GUITAR
CRUNCH CRUNCH THUD CRUNCH CRUNCH THUD... 

DAVE
It's Day 2 of the build at [growl]D.C. Garage![/growl] BBDO is busy with his crayolas at the drafting board, putting the finishing touches on the concept drawing. Let's take a peek. Wow, Big Daddy, this restyle is terrific!

BIG DADDY
Thanks.

DAVE
I especially like the smiling sunshine face. And that little house with the curly smoke from the chimney. But what can you tell us about the car?

BIG DADDY
Scott is gonna be stoked when he sees the complete makeover we're giving his old junker. As you can read here on the build specs, I have demanded that it will get 80 miles per gallon with zero emissions, and  survive a 300 mile per hour head on collision with an Amtrak locomotive. It will also fly, and create and/or save 20 million jobs. And restore America's standing in the world.

DAVE
80 miles per gallon?

BIG DADDY
Oops, my mistake. A quick zero, and... voila! 800 miles per gallon.

DAVE
Sounds great, but doesn't that violate the laws of physics?

BIG DADDY
I vetoed that law. Look, I'm not a detail man, I'm leaving that up to the shop crew to figure out.

DAVE
You're the boss, Big Daddy! Let's go down on the shop floor and see how the build team is making it happen. Bad Boy Brian Deese -- let's see you get to work and deconstruct this baby!

BAD BOY

As Derrida noted in "Allegories of Tedium: Reading Cadillac," the essentialist paradigm of postwar modernist automotive design syntactics created partially situated identities out of actual or potential highway and um, car hop drive-in social realities in terms of canonical forms of these tailfin thingies, um, and tires, thus contextualizing the Marxian phenomenology of intersubjective, um, narrative spaces her on the headlights... and um, which requires, in a sense, the renaturalization of the cognitive strategies for resolving the dialectics of the metaphorical phallic forms of these, um, hood ornaments...

DAVE
No, I mean literally take the car apart.

BAD BOY
I was, before you interrupted me.

DAVE
I mean literally with WD-40 and wrenches. Not French psycholinguistic theory.

BAD BOY
Wrenches?

DAVE
They're the thingies for twisting the bolt doodads. Radical Ron can explain. You can find them over in that Snap-On tool box.

BAD BOY
Snap-On tools? Oooohh, sounds transgressive!

DAVE
If you run into a tough spot, you can use this torch.

ACETYLENE TORCH
Thuh pwup fwisssssssss

BAD BOY
Shrieeeeeeeek!

RADICAL RON
Holy crap! For a fat Ivy League college pussy who runs like a girl, that guy moves pretty fast.

DAVE
Doesn't look like he's coming back, Ron. How about filling in for him?

RADICAL RON
BLEEEP that BLEEEP! That BLEEP ain't in the union contract. I'm going on strike.

GUITAR
CRUNCH CRUNCH THUD CRUNCH CRUNCH THUD...

DAVE
After a shaky Day 2, the team is finally making progress on Day 3. Let's check in with Street Rat and see how the mill is coming along! Interesting motor, Rat -- what is it?

STREET RAT
Well Dave, it took a little wheeling-dealing, bribery and threats, but I managed to line up this sweet Fiat 400cc crate motor. Now Scott will never have to worry about a speeding ticket!

DAVE
Now that's what I call creative engineering! Let's get it mounted in the engine bay.

STREET RAT
I'm right on it. Now where did I put my nail gun? Hey, there it is...

NAIL GUN
Pa CHUNKKA Pa CHUNKKA Pa CHUNKKA

STREET RAT
*thud*

DAVE
Ouch! Right in the combover! While Street Rat collects his new free medical benefits, let's check in with Frisco Pelosi to get an update on upholstery and stereo. Hey Frisco, what kind of seat material is that?

FRISCO
It's NOS virgin horsehair, just like the kind used inside 14th century monk shirts. Now whenever Scott tries to drive, he'll be getting a constant boil-causing reminder of the hellish CO2 damage he is inflicting on planet Earth.

DAVE
What about the sound system?

FRISCO
The original AM radio left Scott in danger of exposure to Rush Limbaugh, so I safety wired it with a custom 400 watt FM system that brings in both stations -- NPR and Pacifica! Now to test if it's grounded...

WIRING
KSZZXZHSHNITTTZZZ

FRISCO
ow.

WIRING
ZHSHNITTTZZKRRZNITZZ ZZZKRITZZ ZNITZ    ZPIZT

FRISCO
Medic.
 
DAVE
You know, smoldering Botox doesn't smell nearly as bad as I expected. While the EMTs peel Frisco off the front seat, let's see what else is cooking in paint and fuel with Cha Cha Chu. I see you're going with an all-white theme, Cha Cha. How come?

CHA CHA
Simple physics. White reflects the sun's rays back into deep space, which means this hideous car has drowned its last polar bear. Plus I had Home Depot coupons for paint rollers and Sherwin Williams interior white latex!

DAVE
What about fuel?

CHA CHA
Look in the trunk. You'll see that I've replace the original inefficient gasoline system with the renewable fuel of the future - hydrogen!

BAD BOY
Helloooo-oo everybody! I'm back, and I'm not ascared any more! Look, I figured out how to use the torch! 

CHA CHA
Noooo!

1957 CHEVY
BLAAAAFLOOOOMMMShhhh

1957 CHEVY PARTS
Klangk plink blangk shwizzz-shwizzz-schwizz schwschwschwschw bloink

SIRENS
Bloo bloo bloo bloo hawwwwwnk bloo bloo bloo...

DAVE
Whoa! This will take some sorting out. Will the team get released from the hospital in time to meet the midnight deadline? Find out when [growl]D.C. Garage[/growl] returns!

****************

COMMERCIAL SPOT 2

[grainy black-and-white stock footage of desperate breadlines, swelling Aaron Copeland music]

ANNOUNCER
1932. In the wake of economic depression, a nation lies in tatters. Amid the ruins, one man emerges with a dream to harness the power of government and youthful idealism to give the country new hope -- and get industry back on its feet. Tonight on the History Channel, join us as we examine the economic miracle of Benito Mussolini and the Italian New Deal.

Only on the History Channel. Where the past just won't stay dead.

****************

GUITAR
CRUNCH CRUNCH THUD CRUNCH CRUNCH THUD...

DAVE
Welcome back to [growl]D.C. Garage![/growl We've finally let the cat out of the bag and let our "mark," Scott Mumford, in on the secret. Sorry to keep stringing you along there, buddy.

SCOTT (relieved)
Man, you guys really had me going there for a while!

DAVE (putting arm around Scott)
Well I'm sure all will be forgiven after you see your new ultimate whip! As you can see by the plaster casts and skin graft bandages on the build crew, the team really gave it their all. So let's turn it over to Big Daddy for the big unveiling!

BIG DADDY (whipping back tarp on the car)
One federally customized '57 Bel Air, coming right up. Ta-da! 

GUITAR
CRUNCH CRUNCH THUD CRUNCH CRUNCH THUD...

[fast motion camera circles burnt, mangled shell of '57 Chevy]

BIG DADDY (looking at stunned Scott)
I think he's speechless!

SCOTT (sobbing)
You maniacs! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell! 

BIG DADDY
Now, not so fast, Scott! look there on the front seat. I think you'll find a one year free rider pass on the new Van Nuys light rail system, slated for completion in 2016. Courtesy of my new emergency transportation stimulus program!

DAVE
Here's your bill, Scott. Do you have anything more you'd like to say?

SCOTT
Just gimme my gun, I'm going to kill myself.

DAVE
Sorry Scott, we confiscated that too. Tune in next week as we remake this classic 1970 Hemi 'Cuda into a public bus shelter... right here on [growl]D.C. Garage![/growl]

GRUNTING DEATH METAL SINGER
D.C. Garage! D.C. Garage! ARRGHHHRRRRGGGHHBLECCCCHHH